haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Your mouth is God's brothel.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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