Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
