his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
