3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
