and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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