im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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