Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
