No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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