i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I can't put those talents on a resume
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
