I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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