We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
