you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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