Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
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