after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
