does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Even the bartender felt bad for me
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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