I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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