I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
