Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
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