Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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