She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Shame - the story of my life.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
