we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
