You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
