Did you just see the Batmobile???
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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