That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
someone get that fucking seahorse.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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