I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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