i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
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I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
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I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
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