I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
