Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
