the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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