I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
