I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
The convent might be a nice break from real life
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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