On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Randomize
