So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
