i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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