we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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