Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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