We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
