turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
