too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
