my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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