Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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