ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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