my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
