I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
