is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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