Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
