I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Randomize
