Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
dude. I can hear the air.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
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