remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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