Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
