New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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