I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just gift wrapped bread.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
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