so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
