I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
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I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
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I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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