Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
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mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
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I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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